Numb
by DHF of Walden
Summary: This is what Ponyboy is thinking about Darry the night after he gets jumped at the start of the book. Set to 'Numb' by Linkin Park. Fixed up as of Nov. 1, 2010.


**A/N: I know that songfics usually don't have all the lyrics in them, as that is plagiarism; I tried to fix this up as much as I could. Redone as of November 1, 2010.**

**Do not own the Outsiders or the song. No earning, No suing. Just for fun. Here we go:**

_Tired of being what you want me to be, feeling so faithless, lost under the surface,_

Why did Darry have to pick me? Really, why couldn't _Soda_ have fulfilled his dream? At least he likes Soda. Darry wouldn't get mad at Soda. Why me? Why couldn't I be good enough for him? Why?

_Don't know what you're expecting of me, put under the pressure of walking in your shoes,_

I'm fourteen years old. As corny as it sounds, aren't I supposed to be discovering who _I_ am, not Darry? I don't know exactly who he is. I'm not sure if I even want to. What does he want me to do about it? I try to do things right, but it's never good enough for him. I forget one little detail and it'll screw the whole thing up. I'm not Darry. I am never, ever _going_ to be Darry; why doesn't he see that?

_Every step that I take is another mistake to you..._

Honestly. Every little thing I do. Is that what Darry does that keeps him frowning all of the time? Analyze my every move, and take it apart to find something wrong about my every breath and blink?

_I've become so numb  
I can't feel you there  
Become so tired  
So much more aware  
I'm becoming this  
All I want to do  
Is be more like ME  
And be less like YOU!_

I stand there and let him yell at me, often not even listening because I've heard the same thing a billion times before. Fighting back's no good, hence, I don't bother. I'm sick of it. Sick of watching every move I make, trying to see it through my oldest brother's eyes. I want to be my own person. I want to figure out how I see myself, not Darry. How did we get to be this way?

_Can't you see that you're smothering me? Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control,_

I need freedom, but he won't give me any. Every time I stray from his high standards, it's like being zapped by an electric fence placed around me. Like a jail. How does Sodapop come out unscathed?

'_Cause everything that you thought I should be, is falling apart, right in front of you..._

I let him down, I know. But ... it wasn't my responsibility in the first place! So what if I'm not a perfect kid! Who in this world is? I'm _me_! That's good enough for me, good enough for Sodapop, good enough for Johnny, heck, good enough for Two-Bit! Why not Darry? What's _his_ problem?

_And every step that I take is another mistake to you..._

Every time I'm five minutes late to get home, he makes me feel as if I've done something terrible, like committed murder. As if. But not anymore.

_All I want to do  
Is be more like ME  
And be less like YOU!_

I don't care what Darry thinks of me anymore! What he thinks I am is all wrong anyway. I'm not a troublemaker. Things just happen. And I'm not stupid or klutzy, I just think a lot. I forget things, but not on purpose. It's just the way I am. Why can't he just let me be?

_And I know, I may end up failing too  
But I know, you were just like me with someone disappointed in you..._

When Darry and I used to like and relatively understand each other, he once got a 98% on a science test and moped all night. I guess he was never good enough for himself either.

And Darry, love me? No. I wasn't believing a word that Soda said. If I were someone completely different, he wouldn't change one bit. I was just that to him. Just another person to have to take care of. Not Ponyboy. Maybe that's what he called me, but he doesn't even know who Ponyboy is. It's just a name to him.

_I've become so numb  
I can't feel you there  
Tired of being what you want me to be_

I'm living by my _own_ standards, starting now.

**Well, has it improved any, or does it still suck?**

**Good night Fan Fiction Dot Net!**


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